Head low, I was scattered. I had no idea what it was I wanted to do, how I wanted to show up in the world. The questions swirled in mind like water down a drain.
‘Who am I?’
‘What is my purpose?’
‘How do I want others to see me?’
My head went blank. My feet turned cold. I was convinced that I would be on this ride forever. The roller coaster of ambiguity and ambivalence. I could not help but feel like I hit a ceiling. I sat frightened by the illusion of not knowing who it was I was born to be. Have those thoughts ever materialized and festered in your mind, consumed your being?
Often we find ourselves kneeling at the altars of the unnecessary. Over and over, we recite a familiar chant, worshipping that which will surely bring death to our dreams. Our attention, becomes a prayer. Our thoughts, evolve into an invocation. We assist in the creation and preservation of a diety we frequently travel and bow to. It reigns always as one of hesitation and distrust. It was there my fear appeared dressed in procrastination, adorned in indecision, draped in blame, covered in victimhood and trimmed with judgement. How do we construct gods in which we are not true believers?
I found myself living in the dreams of what others had for me; existing in the expectations and destinies written by external forces. I was grateful for those who facilitated in the process of me pulling back layers of myself, but sunk into waiting on those around me to make a decision about who I was, on standby for their permission to live my dream. Asking questions of others and not once seeking the counsel of myself. I sat, clipping at my wings, paralyzed at how high I would soar. And at the same time, seeking the validation of others while the confirmation sat in my chest. We become addicted to approval, and fail in trying to withdraw from the need of those around us – valuing their beliefs over our own. Their needs over our own. Their love over our own. Until hit with the realization that we are on the opposite end, paintbrush in hand, pen between fingers – the creators of our reality..
In that moment, I realized how important it was to claim peace in my life after I spent so much time declaring war. I was desperate to discover to me. I wanted to begin the walk of courage required between potential and greatness. It meant becoming the sculptor, feeling the clay between my palms, and molding the life I hoped for.
It was the rejection of the woman I thought I was and the woman everyone wanted me to be.
Indulge in a moment to take yourself in your own arms, to hold your own hand and give yourself a kiss on the collarbone. The way you understand yourself and who you really are, is coming to fruition.